The Onion FieldBook - 2007
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The condemned man would receive a little money from friends or relatives, a few dollars here and there. Once he received a considerable sum from an anti capital punishment group in Italy. He had by now thoroughly convinced himself that repressed homosexuality had been at the root of his problems his whole life long, and that he had been born to be homosexual. ...
He joined a convict religious cult and edited their political writings, and he waited for a decision in People versus Anderson. In March, 1972, the California Supreme Court declared that capital punishment was cruel and unusual.
Warning Profanity: "One last thing and I'll shut up," said the beat cop. "The guys that draft these orders don't have to live by them. They work in cushy offices and pinch plump little asses that bend over their desks every day to stir their coffee. Now this is a stupid and panicky order with no thought put into it. Everybody's shook up by this murder and they're panicked. Christ, it's all you see in the papers. This order is callin Hettinger and Campbell cowards no matter how you slice it. The thing I'm wonderin is this: Does this order make me a coward too? I'm wonderin if there's somebody in this room or even on that fuckin sixth floor who's got enough hangin between his legs to call me a coward too?"
"It's this," said Greg triumphantly, pointing to his ear. "I put a mole on my earlobe, and I stuck three little hairs on it. You see, Jim, people facing a gun will remember outstanding characteristics about the guy, and they'll all remember my mole. But after the job it'll be gone." "That's slick, Greg," said Jimmy whistling, and holding up his glass in a toast. "I gotta hand it to you. That's slicker'n snot." "And that's not all. You notice what else?" "Else?" "Well, goddamn, Jim, my appearance is completely different and you can't even see how I've done it!" "Well, it's just the job you done, Greg. Honest. And my eyes are real poor. I should wear glasses but ..." "The eyebrows." "Eyebrows?" "They're darkened and made larger. The witness'll say the guy had bushy eyebrows and a mole on his earlobe. And I got a thin pencil-line moustache ...
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